Caffeinated Coder

Due to the writer’s strike, the normal panel of Caffeinated Codey judges are out picketing on some Hollywood street corner. Luckily, I found a worthy Canadian scab who was willing to cross the picket lines. It is none other than the cultural icon, himself, Justice Gray.

1. For Greatest post in Caffeinated Coder history award…Russell Ball for “Rory Blyth routs Canucks“. Russell Ball made internet history when he wrote his most famous sentence: “Justice still dominated in the Best Post Title category”. Two key words I’d like to focus on here were:
   “Justice”
   “dominated”
   (note: order of the words here is also key) I don’t think I need to explain further.
2. For Worst post in Caffeinated Coder history award…Russell Ball for “Rory Blyth routs Canucks“. The best example of ballot stuffing since Nigeria. The combination of this Rory guy, his automated vote-spamming bot, and the pre-teen girl brigade of the Pacific Northwest pretty much rendered all fair polling moot. The Society of Hot Women from 18-38 organized a massive nude march in support of me, which wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t in the hallway outside of the apartment I share with my wife. To say she wasn’t pleased with this outcome was an understatement. Thankfully some signed photographs of yours truly sent everyone home happy, at least as happy as nubile women can be when they’re being gently rejected by the most handsome (and married) man on the planet.
   Some people have asked me if I thought I could’ve won if, prior to voting, I had perhaps posed for a picture like this:

   

   in which it looks like someone is about to sit on Santa’s lap to tell him what a bad boy he’s been, only “Santa” is wearing leather, a riding crop, and assless chaps. To the contrary, I think we can all agree that everybody loses when photos like this surface. Enjoy your tainted chalice, Mr. Blith!

3. “Meet me at the asylum” award… D’Arcy Lussier for “What Justice Gray means to me, by D’Arcy Lussier“. I almost wrote a “What Justice Gray means to me” post myself, given the tributes were so inspiring. That is, I almost did until D’Arcy left everyone with the odd taste of awkwardness in their mouth with his rambling soliloquy. The best part of this post was actually not D’Arcy’s post itself but the reactions that followed, including statements like:
   

   “I officially renounce my Manitoban status”
   “On behalf of all Winnipeggers, I officially apologize for D’Arcy Lussier’s Epic Story”
   “I think D’Arcy had been smoking Peyote for six straight days when he wrote that post. This is his personal Mount Vesuvius.” which gets special mention for dropping a Zoolander reference

   Was this a tribute post, a cry for help, or somewhere in between? Even after I had the frightening experience of the Britney Spears of software development explaining his “logic” in private, I still can’t be certain.

4. Most atrocities committed with PAINT.NET award… also D’Arcy Lussier for “What Justice Gray means to me, by D’Arcy Lussier“. See above. Although special mention has to go to D’Arcy nearly wrecking Bil Simser’s marriage by posting shots of Bil’s genitalia in said post.
5. Joanie loves Chachi award… Beth Massi and Donald Belcham. With their VB vs. C# bantering and their constantly making puppy eyes at each other, I think it’s safe to say that Beth and Donald are well on the fast track to having their own sitcom. Did you ever think you’d see the words “Donald rocks” written anywhere, much less by a *woman*? It appears that British Columbia’s Victoria Code Camp was full of surprises…and budding romance. What is next, duets at the karaoke bar? We’ll follow this one up later.
6. “Plagiarize *this*, mother*@&#&#@” award… Ayende Rahien for “Is Plagiarism the best compliment“. Ayende finds out that someone has written a book that essentially cut and pastes both his and Scott Hanselman’s blog posts without giving any credit. Ayende then posts about it at which point angry legions of developers are mobilized and within seconds the book is *no longer available* on Amazon. The poor sap who tried ripping this man off is likely sitting somewhere in a Turkish prison trying to scrub tattoos of a rhino off of his left buttock, a fitting punishment for those who participate in idea theft.
7. “Greatest recommendation ever” award… Mo Khan for “Justice Gray for MVP“. Short, simple, to the point and full of RIGHT. Blog posts are almost always laced with some form of opinionation, but Mo’s post carefully and lays out fact after absolute, irrefutable fact in making his point. As a completely unbiased observer I had no choice but to agree with his inevitable conclusions. If only all blog authors could write this convincingly!!

There you have it… I think we can all agree that I certainly got my money’s worth there. I am also confident that I made my point to the striking bastards that I can outsource their jobs to the new third world of the blogoshere (a.k.a Canada) faster than a bra being removed and hurled at the host of a Justice Gray rally.

I’d like to officially award Justice one of the JetBrains licenses with his guest contribution. He certainly has earned it, especially since I originally only envisioned people contributing individual awards towards this post.

As for the promised polldaddy voting action and the other R# license award, I’ve got a slight twist up my sleeve that I’ll explain in my next post on Monday. Until then, good luck recovering from the Paint.NET inspired nightmares that you will surely suffer from after reading D’Arcy’s post.

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