Up until recently I thought I had to resort to the lottery or white collar crime to fund my beach house.

However, soon after hearing a story on NPR about software patent trolling, I decided to finally apply for that patent on the blog reading technique that I’ve worked so hard on inventing (patent # c7c0f810-e5b8-4b64-9cfc-e7a93cc1d9cf).

Needless to say, my invention is extremely complicated. It involves the internets, procrastinating at work, and anonymously leaving lots of rude, off-topic comments on blogs.

My lawyer, Guido, will explain it to all of you in more detail while you cut me a big fat check (I captured your IP Address when you loaded this page).

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to go after most of the software giants, who spend billions to purchase random software patents for no other reasons than to defend themselves through the threat of the counter-suit.

On the other hand, if something happens to my beach house and I can’t manage to think of any more incredibly obvious ideas on my own, I could always follow the lead of Oasis Research, who purchased a broad patent from 1998, formed a company with no operations, no products, no employees, and started suing the hell out of people.

Since defending against a patent infringement suit cost millions of dollars and most companies are willing to settle even non-meritorious suits they consider frivolous for several hundred thousand dollars, it’s a pretty lucrative business model.

Then again, if I get really ambitious, I could always follow the lead of Intellectual Ventures. They managed to raise 5 billion in venture capital, purchase 35,000 patents, and then charge protection money…oops, I mean fees… to their clients so that their butcher shops wouldn’t get burned down…oops I mean so that they wouldn’t get sued.

Welcome to the new world of software innovation.

Now pay up.

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