Caffeinated Coder

It is my great pleasure to introduce my new daughter, Sofia Isabel Ball.

She decided to make her grand entrance in the wee hours of the morning on the first day of Spring, March 21st, 2008. Sofia wiggled her way out into the world less than 90 minutes after we arrived at the hospital, thus demonstrating that she takes after both her mother and I when it comes to patience or rather lack thereof.

It has been a little over a week since she joined our little family, but I am just now emerging from my new parent stupor enough to give her a proper blogosphere introduction.

Below you can see me attempting to explain anonymous delegates to her.

Here are a few things that she has taught her newbie father so far:

1. Epidurals Keep Daddies Safe - Contrary to the mild false contractions that my wife experienced in the weeks leading up to that night, the actual labor contractions came on fast and furious. Despite treating all the red lights as stop signs on the way to the hospital, we still didn’t arrive until she was still over 8 cm dilated so she rode out a full hour of intense labor pains while the hospital staff did the prerequisite blood work, tests, and IV prior to administering the epidural. My primary responsibility during that time was endure her kung-fu labor grip, pretend that I wasn’t worried, and not say anything stupid. Once I surreptitiously removed my wedding ring, I was able to endure her freakishly strong grip, but all was nearly lost when I made the mistake of trying to sooth her by saying sh-sh-sh (in my defense it works for babies). She interpreted that as me telling her to be quiet and promptly yelled at me, much to the amusement of the nurses. I managed to avoid any further labor induced abuse until the epidural finally took affect, at which point I could probably have said just about anything.
2. Babies are more Addictive than Crack Cocaine - I distinctly remember rolling my eyes at people who fawned excessively over babies as little as 5-10 years ago. Now I am physically incapable of not grinning like an idiot every time I look at her. Other addictive behaviors that I’ve noticed in myself include staring at her features as though in a trance, taking ungodly amounts of photos, sharing baby stories with complete strangers, inventing a new pet name every 5 minutes, and reacting to toxic diaper born substances with enthusiasm rather than the normal repulsion.
3. WWF Style Swaddling - I am seriously considering writing a letter to the hospital and recommending that they have professional wrestlers rather than nurses demonstrate swaddling and diaper changing techniques. There is nothing like trying to swaddle a flailing baby at 4 am in a semi-dark room while sleep deprived to humble a man. I won’t even speak of the dangers of changing a stinky diaper in similar conditions for fear of traumatizing some of my younger readers.
4. The Truth about Sleep Deprivation - I can’t believe that I was actually foolish enough to think that my late night blogging habit would prepare me for the sleep deprivation havoc wreaked by a new born. On a good night, I’ve gotten a few hours of light sleep at a time (…was that the sound of the baby choking?). On a bad night, Sofia plays this game where she cries every time I put her down and then watches with big innocent eyes as daddy starts to hallucinate while pacing the halls with her. The worst part is that even though she is a perfect angel during the day, I still can’t do anything productive because my mental acuity is so diminished from the night before that I have to struggle to even keep up with reality TV shows. I recently heard that sleep deprivation is sometimes used as a torture technique and now I know why.
5. Best Activity to Soothe a Fussy Baby - My television repertoire is normally pretty limited since I am usually focused on my laptop whenever the TV happens to be on at our house. However, with a fussy baby in one arm and my intellectual capacities greatly diminished due to sleep deprivation, I have a whole new appreciation for TV. The best find of the week was definitely “My Redneck Wedding” hosted by Tom Arnold. I usually hate reality TV shows, but this one is pure comedic genius.

I’ll leave you with a few parting images:

This is Sofia trying to convince me that she needs coffee to wake up. I’ve decided to hold firm on this issue and not allow her to have any caffeine until she’s at least 2 years old.

This is me demonstrating to Sofia what to do during an Audit or HR meeting.

Finally, this is Sofia all decked out in her Road Warrior attire.

In summary, a) I love being a new daddy and b) please excuse the lower number of posts over the next few weeks as we all adjusts to the new lifestyle.

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