Caffeinated Coder

It is my great pleasure to introduce my new daughter, Sofia Isabel Ball.

She decided to make her grand entrance in the wee hours of the morning on the first day of Spring, March 21st, 2008. Sofia wiggled her way out into the world less than 90 minutes after we arrived at the hospital, thus demonstrating that she takes after both her mother and I when it comes to patience or rather lack thereof.

It has been a little over a week since she joined our little family, but I am just now emerging from my new parent stupor enough to give her a proper blogosphere introduction.

Below you can see me attempting to explain anonymous delegates to her.

Here are a few things that she has taught her newbie father so far:

1. Epidurals Keep Daddies Safe - Contrary to the mild false contractions that my wife experienced in the weeks leading up to that night, the actual labor contractions came on fast and furious. Despite treating all the red lights as stop signs on the way to the hospital, we still didn’t arrive until she was still over 8 cm dilated so she rode out a full hour of intense labor pains while the hospital staff did the prerequisite blood work, tests, and IV prior to administering the epidural. My primary responsibility during that time was endure her kung-fu labor grip, pretend that I wasn’t worried, and not say anything stupid. Once I surreptitiously removed my wedding ring, I was able to endure her freakishly strong grip, but all was nearly lost when I made the mistake of trying to sooth her by saying sh-sh-sh (in my defense it works for babies). She interpreted that as me telling her to be quiet and promptly yelled at me, much to the amusement of the nurses. I managed to avoid any further labor induced abuse until the epidural finally took affect, at which point I could probably have said just about anything.
2. Babies are more Addictive than Crack Cocaine - I distinctly remember rolling my eyes at people who fawned excessively over babies as little as 5-10 years ago. Now I am physically incapable of not grinning like an idiot every time I look at her. Other addictive behaviors that I’ve noticed in myself include staring at her features as though in a trance, taking ungodly amounts of photos, sharing baby stories with complete strangers, inventing a new pet name every 5 minutes, and reacting to toxic diaper born substances with enthusiasm rather than the normal repulsion.
3. WWF Style Swaddling - I am seriously considering writing a letter to the hospital and recommending that they have professional wrestlers rather than nurses demonstrate swaddling and diaper changing techniques. There is nothing like trying to swaddle a flailing baby at 4 am in a semi-dark room while sleep deprived to humble a man. I won’t even speak of the dangers of changing a stinky diaper in similar conditions for fear of traumatizing some of my younger readers.
4. The Truth about Sleep Deprivation - I can’t believe that I was actually foolish enough to think that my late night blogging habit would prepare me for the sleep deprivation havoc wreaked by a new born. On a good night, I’ve gotten a few hours of light sleep at a time (…was that the sound of the baby choking?). On a bad night, Sofia plays this game where she cries every time I put her down and then watches with big innocent eyes as daddy starts to hallucinate while pacing the halls with her. The worst part is that even though she is a perfect angel during the day, I still can’t do anything productive because my mental acuity is so diminished from the night before that I have to struggle to even keep up with reality TV shows. I recently heard that sleep deprivation is sometimes used as a torture technique and now I know why.
5. Best Activity to Soothe a Fussy Baby - My television repertoire is normally pretty limited since I am usually focused on my laptop whenever the TV happens to be on at our house. However, with a fussy baby in one arm and my intellectual capacities greatly diminished due to sleep deprivation, I have a whole new appreciation for TV. The best find of the week was definitely “My Redneck Wedding” hosted by Tom Arnold. I usually hate reality TV shows, but this one is pure comedic genius.

I’ll leave you with a few parting images:

This is Sofia trying to convince me that she needs coffee to wake up. I’ve decided to hold firm on this issue and not allow her to have any caffeine until she’s at least 2 years old.

This is me demonstrating to Sofia what to do during an Audit or HR meeting.

Finally, this is Sofia all decked out in her Road Warrior attire.

In summary, a) I love being a new daddy and b) please excuse the lower number of posts over the next few weeks as we all adjusts to the new lifestyle.

If you think that software developers represent the pinnacle of alpha geekdom, then try taking this simple quiz…

1. Have you ever been asked to calculate the probability that your professor would wake up on Mars the next day? (yes, it can be done)
2. Is the Math that you work with too complicated to be placed on computers?
3. Did you build an atom smasher in your garage when you were in High School?
4. Do you spend most of the day staring out the window and playing with equations in your head?

Feeling intellectually inadequate? If so, perhaps you should have channeled your evil geek powers into becoming a theoretical physicists instead.

I just finished listening to a slightly off-topic, but most excellent hanselminutes podcast that featured an interview with noted theoretical physicist and futurist Michio Kaku. He talked about his new book The Physics of the Impossible, which I just ordered for myself on Amazon.

In the book, Dr. Kaku examines a variety of science-fictiony topics, like invisibility, teleportation, time travel, laser guns, and star travel and categorizes each according to how possible they are based on the known laws of physics and the current state of human technology. He even offers predictions on when we are likely to achieve each of the things that we thought were impossible at one point or another.

For example, I was surprised to learn that scientists have already teleported photons and cesium atoms under the Danube River and expect to be able to teleport the first organic molecules within the next 20 years. I guess the Star Trek vision of commuting isn’t as far-fetched as I thought, although Dr. Kaku points out that you would be destroyed in the process before rematerializing someplace else. A small price to pay to avoid rush hour traffic if you ask me…

There was also some interesting discussion that is of more immediate concern to software developers regarding the coming Post Silicon Age. For those of you who haven’t heard rumblings of the impending end of Moore’s Law in the next decade, it is predicted that by 2020 the transistors will reach the size limitations (about 5 atoms across) at which silicon is simply not stable at the atomic level. Not only will chips generate so much heat that they’ll melt, but they also begin to suffer from electron leakage which causes random short circuits.

So, it appears that in the near future advances in computer hardware will rely less on on electrical engineers and more on physicists and breakthroughs in quantum computers.

On the bright side, that means that it won’t be long before you’ll be able to stop blaming those difficult to troubleshoot software glitches on mundane things like firewalls and network blips and start pulling out some truly impressive excuses. I, for one, can’t wait to tell my users…”Sorry those totals are off, we must be having problems maintaining the direction of the spin on some of those electrons” again.

Until then, you’ll have to settle for the podcast interview (or transcripts if you don’t have much of a commute) and/or book.

Last weekend I ran in the WhiteRock marathon in Dallas, Texas and was thus able to check off the tenth state in my quest to run one marathon in each state. This race was much bigger and better supported than my ninth marathon in Iowa earlier this year and my friends and I had a great time despite the abbreviated time frame and cooler than expected weather.

Now I can finally sign up at the official club website and get myself yet another T-Shirt that my wife will pressure me to throw away. Why am I doing this again?

Here are some race and trip highlights:

• Near Felony: Apparently Texas state law prohibits taking more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. However, I was still running when I guzzled a small plastic cup full of brew that a kind spectator provided around mile nineteen so I think I am safe. I also have a pretty strong alibi for my second and third beers which I consumed immediately after crossing the finish line since I was definitely in no shape to stand by that point. I won’t admit it in a court of law, but those Michelob beers tasted damn fine by that point. I had no idea that marathons damaged a person’s taste buds on top of everything else.
  
• The Stairs of Death: Have you ever seen a person who has just run a marathon try to walk a flight of stairs? It is more fun than a clown on fire. In their infinite wisdom, the race organizers decided to locate the post race festivities on the floor of a basketball stadium, thus forcing the famished finishers to hobble down a gajillion steps immediately after running 26 miles in order to get food. I didn’t think it was so funny while I was doing it, but after I was full and rested I got a big kick out of watching everyone else do it.
• New Innovative Training Breakthrough: Due to a tenacious cold, bad weather, and some general laziness, I was probably the worst prepared I’ve ever been for a marathon. Against all odds, I somehow slipped into a running zone and managed to finish in 3:49 and pull off my second negative split ever (running the second half faster than first half). As a takeaway lesson, I’m going to skip the heavy training from now on and instead focus on doing some quality tapering right from the start.
  
• New Innovative Dating Techniques: There were tons of funny costumes, signs, and T-Shirts, but my favorite was a cardboard sign with the word “Single” on it that was held up by a female spectator. Apparently match.com just isn’t what it used to be. I also saw a woman who ran with fake butt cheeks strapped on her back-side and a sign that read “I’m running my butt off”.
• The Youngest and Flattest Marathoners Ever: Francy, one of my running cohorts, also ran in the marathon this weekend despite being five months pregnant! I can’t tell you how amazed I am by that. As a preemptive move, she had someone in our group write “Yes, I have my Doctor’s Permission” on her shirt, but I think everyone was much more distracted by the “Flat Scottie” she had strapped to her back. Flat Scottie is the cardboard cut-out of her husband who is currently stationed in Iraq.
  

I think the military encourages the cardboard cutout to help families better cope with the father’s absence, but we mostly just enjoy photographing him in a number of compromising positions like this one. I’d show my favorite one, but I’m afraid it might get him thrown out of the military. Good thing he has a great sense of humor.

With my own little one due to show up early this spring, I’m afraid I’m going to have to put off my eleventh state until late next fall.

Don’t worry. I’m still on pace to complete the 50th state before I retire.

Really, it’s not that hard! If the idea is remotely appealing to you, then I recommend that you throw caution to the wind and just commit to doing it. There are thousands of people who do it all the time that are fatter, lazier, slower, older, and saner than you’ll ever be. You may actually enjoy it and decide to do several. At the very least, you’ll probably feel better about yourself when you finally cross the finish line.

Ok, enough with the pep talk, here are a few tips to get you started.

1. Get a good pair of running shoes - I can’t emphasize this enough. The number one reason people fail on the quest to run a marathon is injury and the best way to prevent injury is to get a good pair of shoes that fit properly. Find a store that specializes in selling running shoes. If the clerks are any good, then they will watch you walk and have you try on several different types of shoes in order to find one that properly compensates for your idiosyncracies (i.e. size of your arch and whether or not you overpronate when you walk). If you live in the KC area, then I highly recommend Elite Feet. You should be able to get something good for $100 that will last you through your marathon training schedule. Remember, running shoes are only good for 400 miles, so throw out your old ones if you bought them several years ago.
   
2. Find a good training plan and stick to it - The less experience you have running, then the longer the training schedule should be. Unless you’ve been running for a long time, I recommend a program that is at least 6 months. The second most common cause of injury is trying to increase mileage too quickly. Even if you feel fine, you need to give your body time to adjust to the weekly mileage increase or you will get injured. If your shins start to hurt, then that is a sign that you should slow it down and stretch out the training schedule longer.
3. Cross train - Another great way to prevent injury and improve your running is to randomly substitute short runs on your training schedule with swimming, biking, or weight lifting. If I find myself dreading a work out or starting to feel pain when running, then I try to switch to a different activity for a few days.
   
4. Find running partners - Running is actually a great social activity. Longer runs should be done at a slow enough pace so that you can comfortably talk while you run. Committing to meeting someone else is a great motivator to keep you on your schedule. It also helps the miles go by a lot faster.
   
5. Don’t forget nutrition - It is important to get fuel up before during and after a run. If I’m running longer than 8 miles, then I take Power Gel or Gu with me and take one after every hour of running to help refuel. I almost always notice an extra spring in my step within 5 minutes of taking the Gel. I also try to have a protein shake right after a run in order to speed up the recovery time.
   
6. Alternate walking and running - It is NOT cheating to walk! I recommend alternating as much as necessary between walking and running when you first start out. The important part is that your legs put in the miles. At various times I’ve experimented with taking 2 minute walking breaks after every ten minutes of running and I find that my overall time is just as fast and that I feel much less tired and sore afterwards. Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly tired or unmotivated, then I’ll just start out walking for as long as it takes my body to warm up or my mind to get bored.
   
7. Never underestimate your mind and body’s ability to adjust - Inevitably, you will finish a relatively short run feeling utterly exhausted and certain that you couldn’t have run another step. Resist the urge to do the math in your head or you will seriously psyche yourself out. As long as you only increase your long runs by a mile or so a week, then your body and mind will adjust and one day you will suddenly catch yourself thinking “whew, I’m glad I only have to run eight miles today”. You will laugh at the absurdity of the statement, yet it will seem true. It is all relative.
   

What are you waiting for? Here is a training schedule. The only thing that is left to do is to use the Race Finder on runnersworld to pick out a race 6 months. I recommend picking one in a city you’ve always wanted to visit and make a nice 3-4 day mini-vacation out of it.

Good luck! Look me up if you are ever in the KC area and want to go for a run.

The heat index was over a hundred today when I ran one of my regular six mile routes. This summer has actually been pretty mild by Kansas standards (last summer we had 14 days that were over one hundred degrees). Having grown up in Michigan, I do my share of complaining about Kansas summers and generally try to avoid the heat whenever possible except when it comes to running. For some inexplicable reason, I am partial to noon runs when it is over a hundred degrees and sweat gushes from every one of my mutant, overactive sweat glands. To give you an idea of how much I sweat, I once weighed myself before and after a 20 mile summer run and discovered that I lost 5 pounds of water weight despite drinking a whole jug of gaterade along the way. Nevertheless, I actually enjoy the experience and find it to be purifying in a way that is addictive.

That being said, there is also a dark side to this pastime. A couple years ago, I was careless about my liquid intake during an unseasonably hot marathon and ended up severely dehydrated. By mile 23, I was on my knees in the middle of a busy intersection puking my guts out. It then took me over an hour to finish due to extreme muscle cramping and fatigue. By the time I finally crossed the finish line, I made my way directly to the med tent where I was quickly hooked up to an IV. Not one of my better races.

To be fair, my experience with running in the heat is downright tame in comparison to what the runners of the Badwater Ultra-Marathon experience. Considered to be one of the toughest endurance events around, this 135 mile race (the equivalent of over 5 consecutive marathons) starts in Death Valley in July where temperatures can climb up to 130 degrees Fahrenheit and the concrete gets hot enough to melt the soles of shoes. If that isn’t bad enough, the race covers three mountain ranges for a cumulative vertical ascent of 13,000 feet. The ultimate goal of these extreme runners is to finish the race in less than 48 hours so that they can get a coveted Badwater belt buckle. That’s right…no prize money is involved. The whole spectacle is captured in fascinating detail by a documentary called Running on the Sun that I bought a while ago and periodically watch with the same rapt attention one would pay to a gruesome car wreck. Here are some of my favorite highlights from the DVD:

• One of the participants, who is a tough-as-nails marine with the physique of a greek god, confounds all expectations by first dropping out very early due to dehydration and then by rejoining the race later to offer moral support for another ailing runner who couldn’t afford a crew.
• A 68 year old man from England finishes the race thanks to his wife who drove ahead of him in the final miles with a Guiness beer bottle attached to a stick on the back of her support van. He happily drank the beer as soon as he crossed the finish line.
• A woman explains to the documentary crew that she knew she was feeling better because the frequency of her hallucinations had decreased.
• A New Yorker reaches new and amusing heights of irritability when his crew returns late with his soup. 
• Somewhere around a hundred miles, a runner suddenly stops talking to the camera crew that was driving next to him, announces that he is a little bit tired, and lays down flat in the middle of the road.
• One of the more competitive runners explains that he had every one of his toe nails surgically removed because they kept falling off after his ultra-marathons. (see picture below for what this race will do to your feet)

I highly recommend that you buy this DVD for sheer entertainment value even if you never plan to put on a pair of running shoes in your life.

* By the way and for the record, I in NO WAY intend to run in this race…and I’m not just saying to assuage my wife who has threatened on numerous occasions to divorce and/or dismember various appendages if the thought so much as crossed my mind…which is hasn’t…seriously…for real. 

This weekend I completed my 10th marathon/ultra marathon in Lake Okoboji in Nebraska . That makes nine states in my quest to join the 50 state club, which requires you to run a marathon in each state. I picked this goal mostly because it gives me a good excuse to travel around to some places I probably wouldn’t have otherwise seen and it also helps keep me motivated with running. Eventually I’d also like to run a marathon on each of the continents, although this would mean running in the North Pole Marathon which seems a little crazy even to me. Here are some highlights from this Iowa road trip and marathon:

• We ain’t in Chicago anymore… - When I ran the Chicago marathon a few years back there were 40,000 runners. It was a little claustrophobic in the beginning (it took almost 10 minutes to cross the starting line after the gun went off), but it was thrilling to have so many spectators cheering along the way. By contrast, there were less than one hundred people running the in this marathon. The mile markers were done in chalk on the street, there was no post race food, and the majority of spectators along the way were simply in the process of getting their morning newspaper or trying not to kill us as they drove by (no streets were closed). Nevertheless, they had plenty of water stops and someone actually announced your name and where you were from as you crossed the finish line. I wouldn’t recommend it for a first time marathoner, but I still enjoyed it.
• An Oasis in the Middle of Cornfield Land - We saw nothing but corn fields for the last two hours of driving, so I was pleasantly surprised when we entered the town that hosted the marathon and saw a beautiful blue lake with lots of boats that was surrounded by expensive looking houses and quaint shops. I’ll definitely consider this as a destination for my next mini vacation.
• Perfect Weather - It was 60 degrees with a cool breeze at 6:00 AM when we started, which is quite unexpected for a July marathon in the Midwest. Running a marathon in summer heat can be brutal, which is why most marathons are in the spring or fall (even then it is a crap shoot…I ran one in Kansas City a few years ago in late September where it was over ninety degrees). This is why the weather seemed to be a favorite topic of conversation among the runners.
• Negative Split - I finished in just under four hours, which overall wasn’t a great time for me, but I was nevertheless very excited because this was the first time I ever ran a negative split. This means that I ran the second 13 miles faster than the first 13 miles (an average of 2 minutes faster per mile which is a big difference in pace). I’ve had a history of bonking at around mile 20, so it was very invigorating to finish with a bounce in my step and be zipping past other people during the last six miles. This was partly possible because I ran with a group of friends who weren’t in a hurry until about the halfway point when I got antsy. I also attribute my strong finish to a little bag of salt that I carried with me and dug into a few times after mile 16. I think that helped counter balance the electrolyte imbalance I usually fall victim to late in the race.
• Peanut Butter & Jelly and Pizza Bagels - Since running 26 miles can often anger your digestive system, it is usually inadvisable to deviate from your normal eating routine before the race. However, this time the only thing we could scrounge up for breakfast were bagels with peanut butter and jelly, which turned out to be a surprisingly tastey and energizing combination. The real food star, however, was the pepperoni pizza bagel after the race. My normal ravenous post-race hunger was exacerbated by the fact that there was no food at the finish line like there has been at every other race I’ve run. Luckily, someone from our group had some cash and we were near a bagel shop. Nobody could think of a single super model/lingerie combination that we would have traded for that pepperoni pizza bagel at that moment. I think I may have actually growled while eating it. 
• The Helpful German Dominatrix - For the first hour of the road trip, we were all totally enamored with the Garmin GPS device that we programmed to speak to us in a rather firm female German voice and that we soon dubbed ‘the Dominatrix’. In all seriousness, I totally want one of these devices. I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I’ve ever met and I’m surprised that I haven’t been mandated by the state yet to get one permanently implanted on my body somewhere. 
• Funky smells - Although much of the run was within view of a beautiful lake, we did put quite a few miles in on some country roads that were surrounded by farms and reeked of cow manure. Believe me, the last thing you want to smell when you are gasping for air is cow manure. Even worse was the smell on the bus that shuttled all the sweat-encrusted, odiferous finishers back back to the starting line where everybody’s cars were parked. I fear my nose may never fully recover.
• A Nearly Fatal Ill-Timed Joke - Three of us were waiting just around the corner from the finish line for the last two to finish. They arrived later than we expected and I noticed right away that one of them was not a happy camper. Our running companion next to me apparently did not notice this, because she jokingly cheered them on by saying “only two more miles”. I almost dived for cover as I anticipated the violence that surely would have ensued if the poor beleaguered runners weren’t so exhausted. Whew…close one.

Mostly, I knew it was a good race because JR and I were already looking at maps and trying to strategically pick our next marathon within a few hours of finishing the race. Usually it takes us several days to block out the grueling experience enough to openly admit to wanting to do another one.