If you’re not a regular reader of Rory Blythe’s blog, then you may have missed his recent Neopolean Creation Story series of posts.
Here are some questions to help you decide if you are ready for the experience:
- Are you a fan of Monty Python movie, “The Life of Brian”?
- Have you ever found yourself bemoaning the fact that last three page blog post you read was too short?
- Have you ever wondered what happens to a blogger when they suddenly find themselves with a lot of free time on their hands?
- Have you ever used the words “back-stabbing”, “opportunistic”, or “duplicitous” to describe a sandwich?
If the answer was yes to these questions and you are in the mood for a slightly surreal but definitely funny reading experience, then I recommend checking out the first four days of Rory’s Seven Day Creation Story.
Still not sure? Here are a few random quotes to whet your appetite.
- “I kicked Jerry [the Sycophant] right through the goal posts of Death, and watched as My first creation was undone. I saw that Death would make a good wastebasket for My first few tries at creating living things, and I thought it was good.”
- “I didn’t really know what I was doing. Creationism doesn’t come with a manual. I had screwed up on My second Jerry…and I suddenly had a sandwich to look after. It was demoralizing…”
- “I got up a bit late on the second day. I knew this because I had created Time on the first day. It had been causing Me grief ever since.”
- “Yes, sandwich… Yes. I shall create a thing to separate work from Home, and the thing I create, It shall be called the World.”
- “I looked back again to see if I could talk the bear out of trying to eat My nose, but it was totally unnecessary…sandwich had already made it to the back of the cage, domesticated the bear, trained it to effect the appearance of anger for the purpose of motivating the giraffe rather than actually trying to bite noses…”
- “All the running around that day was starting to wear Me out. I dare say I was getting irritable, but I kept My cool because, as God, it was important to My creations that I lead them and fill them with confidence. Still, the pressure was getting to Me. I counted to ten and made a mental note to invent Yoga sometime.”
- “The workers hoisted sandwich up on their shoulders and paraded him around, eventually marching off into the sunset in a cloud of dust and happiness.”
- “My world came crashing down because of a device French people clean their bottoms with.”
- “I was beginning to think that the whole event had been a sign from me. The message was that, even if sandwich doesn’t come home, and even if you burn Home to the ground because of a bomb/bidet mix-up, that from the smoking cinders and obsidiate slag, one can find hope in an obstinate, indestructible, and totally inedible breakfast food.”
- “No need for any hard feelings, as long as somebody could provide a satisfactory explanation for this *** nightmare of a how-do-you-do perpetrated by an opportunistic backstabbing duplicitous sandwich.”
- “I thought, God help us, but then I remembered that God was a very bad sandwich, and I knew… I knew that the only hope this world had was a deposed god dressed in drag with vomit on his face, a hangover, Glop in a papoose on his back, and his vehicle, a chariot that was literally fueled by adrenaline….Ok. That was terrifying, too.”
Disclaimer: I hereby relinquish all responsibility for any psychological damage that may occur as a result of reading his blog.
* If you want some more background into the origin of this series, check out the post, A New Religion – A Neopolean Religion.
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