A Kaleidoscopic Tour of a Slightly Twisted Creation Story
If you’re not a regular reader of Rory Blythe’s blog, then you may have missed his recent Neopolean Creation Story series of posts.
Here are some questions to help you decide if you are ready for the experience:
- Are you a fan of Monty Python movie, “The Life of Brian”?
- Have you ever found yourself bemoaning the fact that last three page blog post you read was too short?
- Have you ever wondered what happens to a blogger when they suddenly find themselves with a lot of free time on their hands?
- Have you ever used the words “back-stabbing”, “opportunistic”, or “duplicitous” to describe a sandwich?
If the answer was yes to these questions and you are in the mood for a slightly surreal but definitely funny reading experience, then I recommend checking out the first four days of Rory’s Seven Day Creation Story.
Still not sure? Here are a few random quotes to whet your appetite.
- “I kicked Jerry [the Sycophant] right through the goal posts of Death, and watched as My first creation was undone. I saw that Death would make a good wastebasket for My first few tries at creating living things, and I thought it was good.”
- “I didn’t really know what I was doing. Creationism doesn’t come with a manual. I had screwed up on My second Jerry…and I suddenly had a sandwich to look after. It was demoralizing…”
- “I got up a bit late on the second day. I knew this because I had created Time on the first day. It had been causing Me grief ever since.”
- “Yes, sandwich… Yes. I shall create a thing to separate work from Home, and the thing I create, It shall be called the World.”
- “I looked back again to see if I could talk the bear out of trying to eat My nose, but it was totally unnecessary…sandwich had already made it to the back of the cage, domesticated the bear, trained it to effect the appearance of anger for the purpose of motivating the giraffe rather than actually trying to bite noses…”
- “All the running around that day was starting to wear Me out. I dare say I was getting irritable, but I kept My cool because, as God, it was important to My creations that I lead them and fill them with confidence. Still, the pressure was getting to Me. I counted to ten and made a mental note to invent Yoga sometime.”
- “The workers hoisted sandwich up on their shoulders and paraded him around, eventually marching off into the sunset in a cloud of dust and happiness.”
- “My world came crashing down because of a device French people clean their bottoms with.”
- “I was beginning to think that the whole event had been a sign from me. The message was that, even if sandwich doesn’t come home, and even if you burn Home to the ground because of a bomb/bidet mix-up, that from the smoking cinders and obsidiate slag, one can find hope in an obstinate, indestructible, and totally inedible breakfast food.”
- “No need for any hard feelings, as long as somebody could provide a satisfactory explanation for this *** nightmare of a how-do-you-do perpetrated by an opportunistic backstabbing duplicitous sandwich.”
- “I thought, God help us, but then I remembered that God was a very bad sandwich, and I knew… I knew that the only hope this world had was a deposed god dressed in drag with vomit on his face, a hangover, Glop in a papoose on his back, and his vehicle, a chariot that was literally fueled by adrenaline….Ok. That was terrifying, too.”
Disclaimer: I hereby relinquish all responsibility for any psychological damage that may occur as a result of reading his blog.
* If you want some more background into the origin of this series, check out the post, A New Religion - A Neopolean Religion.
When you just need to
I’ve been spending so much time thinking about/writing this thing that I had no idea how utterly weird it is. In my mind, it’s a logical progression from the first sentence to where I am now (I’ve written day five, but I want to do a little editing).
What amazed me is that, while writing day five, I figured everything out. I was just as clueless as anyone else as to what was going on and how all this stuff happened.
It wasn’t even that hard to come to answer. When you look at it, the tangled mess isn’t something for which there’s likely to be more than one answer. You need something precise, and it popped up without intentionally looking for it. That was weird. And really neat. Through induction and the evidence, only one suitable answer was found.
As for the length - I know
Including day five, I think this thing’s up to around 15,000 words, which is a quarter of what’s considered by some to be the minimal acceptable length of a novel. I told myself I’d try to keep day five and the rest around 1,500 words each, but then I got sucked in and had too much fun.
I’d like to do an audio version for all the people who don’t want to read it, but some of my favorite jokes rely on the capitalization of pronouns. Something spiffy-neat happens with them on day five as well.
Anyway, thank you for doing this. I know there are many people who are ignoring the story (because of things like work and other time consuming activities). It’s asking a lot to write that much and expect people to read it. Each person who says a little something motivates me a bit more, and that makes it more fun to write.
Word to the Russell.
@Rory - It’s definitely weird, but in a good way.
After I adjusted my expectations about the length and made sure I had a cup of coffee before I started reading, it was actually a nice change of pace. It reminded me of the day when I still had an attention span and actually read books instead of blogs…:-).
An audio version would be great. Although it would be a bummer to miss out on the good punctuation jokes, it would probably also offer other ways to get your humor across even better. I for one would re-listen to it while I run.
I just read day 5 and it was also great fun. Thanks again and keep up the good work!
“After I adjusted my expectations about the length and made sure I had a cup of coffee before I started reading, it was actually a nice change of pace. It reminded me of the day when I still had an attention span and actually read books instead of blogs…:-).”
I’ve had the same experience, except on the writing end. I’m used to doing from 800-1,200 words per post. I’ve found the posts around 800 words get much more attention than the larger ones. It’s usually friends and people who I’d be friends with if I knew them who hang on through the huge ones. Also, given that this series has nothing to do with tech, I’ve lost that audience. They might never even come back, but I don’t mind because I’m finally doing the kind of stuff I’ve been wanting to do but haven’t had the time.
“An audio version would be great. Although it would be a bummer to miss out on the good punctuation jokes, it would probably also offer other ways to get your humor across even better. I for one would re-listen to it while I run.”
The punctuation thing… argh. I’ve been thinking about it since I left my last comment, and it’s become *so* important to day six that I don’t know if an audio version would even be any fun. I’d have to stop and explain what was going on with the pronouns. Either that or rework the dialogue until it’s obvious that the pronouns are switching, but I think it’d sound uber contrived.
Audio… argh, argh, argh. It could be so nifty, but, as I’ve said, argh.
“I just read day 5 and it was also great fun. Thanks again and keep up the good work!”
Well, thanks for reading. Day six, in my totally based opinion, is going to be the best, but it’s also going to be the hardest to write because there will be so much going on. It’s the first one I’m properly outlining. Before, I’d to a bulleted list of what needed to be accomplished in a day - sort of a strategy - and then fill in the details, the tactics by which those goals could be met.
Day six can’t be done like that. I’ve divided it up into sections, and the sections into subsections. I’m writing the parts separately, and then I’ll patch it all together to complete the day. I’m thinking I might have to post it in two parts as well, as, in addition to being the best day, it’s probably going to be the longest.
Like my comments. Long and rambling